John McCain Wins General Election-------By Default
November 5th, 2008
John McCain has been declared the official winner of the general election by default after the Democratic Party failed to field a candidate. Howard Dean, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) chairman said it was a shame that his party could not find a solution to their nominating process. Even after the Democrats late August convention in Denver failed to produce a definitive choice to run against McCain, most of the party leaders thought their judicial process with top paid lawyers would solve the dilemma, but suits and counter suits ended up only filling the lawyers pockets while the deadline came and went. Many party insiders say the biggest flaw was the party taking their argument to the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals that had the reputation of writing opinions that even the Supreme Court could not decipher. The final blow to the party was when,(for the third time) the Supreme Court, (by a 9-0 decision) sent the decision back to the Ninth Circuit for further clarification. The Ninth said they could not return a verdict until after the return from their Thanksgiving break.
Dean said this would have never happened if the Clintons had not challenged the decision at the convention that handed Barak Obama the nomination. "I never imagined that those two morons would take the DNC to court over this process, and taking this to the Ninth Circuit was a kiss of death", Dean said.
Obama had come into the convention with a 140 delegate lead and 50 million lead in the popular vote. Obama's staff had indicated it was prepared to offer Mrs. Clinton the number two slot to solidify the party's chances in the general election, but the papers filed on the last day of the convention by the Clintons took that offer off the table. "I had "hoped" that we finally had an opportunity to "change" the partys direction, but those damned attournys had to get into the mix" said Obama.
President McCain and Vice President Bruce Willis will be sworn in on January 20th.
In other news, with the death of Osama Bin Laden and the surrender of Al Qaida in both Iraq and Pakistan, General Petraeus has announced that troop withdrawals will be accelerated to bring almost 80% of military home before Valentines Day. A ticker tape parade is scheduled in New York to celebrate the victory. The now defunct New York Times said the will publish a one time edition to cover the parade, but they would only use inbed reporters that they had recruited from Al Jazeera . Outgoing President George Bush said the part time employment of Mareen Dowd and Paul Krugman at Bush's Crawford ranch would depend on their ability to shovel horse shit. "I'm encouraged by their level of talent here", said Bush.
Update: It's being reported that the former states of Michigan and Florida may get around to re-voting to re-ratify their inclusion back into the United States after ceeding from the Union last summer. Both former governors implied that they preferred to move the dates of the ratification ahead of the schedule to resume their respective relevance according the the newly formed Election Workers Union.
(Rovin is on vacation)