Columbus Rejects New World---Indians Demand the Shirt Off His Back
Christopher Columbus returned to Spain today after a brief voyage to the western shores and was summarily hanged. Columbus claimed that the Indians had formed an unusual union, Servitude Endeavors of Indigenous Underpinnings, (SEIU), and demanded Columbus surrender 100% of his venture capital before stepping foot on the new shores. Columbus wrote later in his ship's log that the Indians were unusually united in their resolve because there were no secret ballots and suspicious bruises on those that had dissented. Columbus also noted in his log that the Indians had found an ancient scripture titled "Sins of My Fathers", (the scripture mentioned The One as the author throughout) and followed its teachings in the style of Moses’ Ten Commandments, (no other Gods superseded "The One"). "The One" had promised to return to deliver his people from "the sins of capitalism" to a "new direction" called collectivism. This new direction, (the scriptures claimed), was also called hope and change. Columbus also noted in his memoirs the words "you betcha" were crossed out several times in the scripture, indicating there may have been a co-author.
King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella immediately had Columbus hanged upon his return and the scriptures were said to be burned. No one knew at the time that Columbus had made a copy and had it secretly hidden. Historians later claimed that parts of the scriptures were discovered in Kenya and Hawaii.
After his death, Columbus's sons, Diego and Fernando, took legal action to vindicate their fathers name and accomplishments, but gave up after years of lengthy court cases, known as the pleitos colombinos. Some one mentioned the words tort reform during the trials and was immediately burned at the stake.
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